First of all, I want to say I am not asking for any sympathy or attention out of this post, I simply want other women to know that certain feelings, thoughts and emotions are normal through the heartache of infertility. I struggled through 5 years of infertility and had longed for someone to talk to about it that completely understood. Of course I had people I trusted who I could talk to but of course they couldn't completely relate to my feelings. I had reached out to people that I had heard were struggling but never found that one person I could connect with. Some people cope in other ways, my way is talking about it. Now that getting pregnant isn't such a worry at the moment, I want to be that person for someone else. This isn't a topic you post on facebook on a day to day basis for the world to know. There needs to be a support system out there and I want to say I am willing to be that for anyone who needs it.
As a nurse, I can really talk about anything medical without a second thought about it, I am going to try not to talk like a nurse and get to medical on ya! Our infertility story started right after I graduated nursing school in May of 2007. I wanted to make sure I was finished with school before we started having children. All my goals I had set up to this point I had reached without any second thought about it. I figured that was how it was going to be with my next set of goals in life. Little did I know, that wasn't going to be the case. It can take up to approximately 1 year for a healthy couple to conceive. We had tried for about 10 months without success so I decided to talk about it with my doctor. He started me on some low dose medication and stated I should be pregnant in a few months. With a renewed hope, I left happy and excited. After a full year on that medication and no pregnancy, I decided it was time to see a specialist. Cody and I scheduled an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. During that appointment, we both went through some testing. The doctor was able to diagnose me right away with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which means I don't ovulate on a regular basis. All of Cody's tests came back normal. Of course this was discouraging news. The doctor wanted some more routine tests done on me but sent me on my way with a prescription for a higher dose medication to help regulate my ovulation. I left again with a renewed hope and thinking we finally figured out what was wrong. I followed through with the other tests the doctor wanted. During my follow up appointment, he stated there were some issues with my left fallopian tube (the tube that connects ovary to uterus and where conception happens). The only solution for me to get pregnant with the issues was to remove it. Ugh! I was so discouraged, devastated, upset, sad and a plethora of other feelings. In July of 2009, I had surgery to have that removed. Approx 2 years and 2 months since we had started trying.
The doctor kept telling me, "your young, don't worry so much" or "it will happen". I hated hearing these things. It never helped me feel any better. I started the infertility meds after my surgery and had hoped to get pregnant right away. The medication side effects were miserable. I would say I probably turned into a completely different person when I was on that stuff. I was mean, ornery, short tempered, had hot flashes all the time, weight gain and water retention. Any side effect that medication had, I swear I got it. After a couple months with no success, we tried artificial insemination. We did the first one in October of that year which was unsuccessful. Higher doses of meds and another two months, we did the second one. Again, unsuccessful. By January of 2010, I was done. My body had pretty much experienced pregnancy and I didn't get the baby out of it. I felt fat, bloated, hormonal and emotional. I had a come apart in the doctors office and said things I didn't mean. (I won't repeat what I said!) We decided we just needed some time off of meds and to let my body have a break. At this point, in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was our final option to conceive a child.
The emotional side of infertility is probably worse than the physical side in some ways. I had suffered with depression throughout all of this. I felt like a failure as a woman, as a wife and felt like I had no purpose. I was angry. I would tell Cody he deserved better and I wouldn't blame him for leaving me. Every month that resulted in failure I would cry and have a pity party for a few days. Following that came a renewed hope that this month was it, it would work this time. I can say the Lord blessed me with an amazing husband. He never left my side through every step and put up with my mood swings and deep lows. I don't know honestly how he put up with me! He is an amazing man!
From January of 2011 to October of 2011 was my break. I tried to focus on getting healthy and we talked about our options. We went to a new doctor and talked about our options. He stated in-vitro fertilization was our best option. This procedure can cost up to about $12,000. We had been saving our money figuring this is what we would end up having to do. In November of 2011, we started the long, expensive journey of IVF. We had to have blood tests and basically get "cleared" to proceed. In December, I started the concoction of oral medications and injections. I had such a bad case of PCOS according to the doctor, he didn't want to do traditional IVF where they basically pull out approx 18-20 eggs and fertilize all the healthy ones. He said I needed to do "low stimulation" IVF where they only wanted to get about 3-4 eggs. This reduced the chances drastically of me having any fertilized eggs (or embryos) left to put back in me to become pregnant. After about 2 weeks of meds, I had 5 eggs and was ready for those to be removed. Again, I won't go into detail on how this works, all I can say is I was glad they put me out for it! The first waiting game began at this point. Over the next 48hrs, I would find out how many eggs they got out, how many were healthy and how many fertilized. In a normal case, a woman can get about 18 eggs, 12 will be healthy enough to fertilize and only 5 may fertilize. I felt my chances were slim. I got a call about 2 days later saying they got 3 healthy eggs and all 3 had fertilized. Wow, amazing! My hopes were high! They "matured" for another 3 days. 2 of the 3 embryos survived the 3 days.
Those 2 were then transferred back into me. The second phase of waiting started. This one was much longer and more intense. I had to wait 2 long weeks until I could get my blood drawn to see if it all worked and I was pregnant. That wait was excruciating. I kept tricking myself into thinking I felt pregnancy symptoms. On January 31st of 2012, I had my blood drawn to see if I was pregnant. I drove to work and waited for my phone to ring. Four long hours later, they called. My heart was pounding, I had tears in my eyes already for either result, I was shaking. Then the news..."I'm sorry to say you are not pregnant." I was devastated. I bawled like a baby in my office for what felt like forever and then had to call Cody to tell him I failed him again. I could barely get the words out. He knew the moment he answered and I could barely talk that it hadn't worked. I went home, Cody came home and my mom came over to just be with me. No words helped in that moment. I just cried. I apologized to the picture of the embryos for failing them as well. The picture of the 2 embryos is still hanging on the fridge. To this day I still can't throw it out.
Little did I know that a year from that day I would be saying happy 10 months to my baby boy! Next week will be that day. I knew the Lord was in control and there was a reason for everything, I questioned it every step of the way. Looking back at it now, I am thankful for everything I went through. If I hadn't tried everything, I wouldn't have pursued our adoption as hard as I did. Miracles happen. I see mine every morning when I wake up and every night as he falls asleep in my arms.
Infertility is a difficult journey, every one's is different. There are many things that can cause infertility. I prayed every day for someone to talk to that completely understood the heartache. There are two people that I can bare my soul to, my husband and my mom. They were wonderful support but again, I just wanted someone who understood the feelings, the thoughts and had encouraging words. I am here for anyone who may be struggling with infertility. I can be that support system, the shoulder to cry on or just listen.
The anxiety in my heart is already starting back up again, Greyson is going to be a year in March and I am starting to stress about a sibling for him. I know the Lord is in control and I have witnessed a miracle before! My infertility journey continues but the heartache is much less. I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to experience pregnancy but I know I will be blessed either way.
If any women out there is struggling and needs someone to talk to, feel free to email me at jamiorgill@gmail.com
Thank you for reading.
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